Imposter Monster

What’s the Imposter Monster?

So… what is the imposter monster? Oxford defines imposter syndrome as

the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills. ~Oxford Google Search…

In this case, I’d say the Imposter Monster is that voice in your head that continues to tell you you’re not good enough. Reminds you you’re not doing the right job. Drags your confidence through the mud and doesn’t let you wash it off. This monster has to be biggest jerk on the planet earth. He’s born from a lack of confidence, and feeds on self doubt. Which I’d dare say is a viscious cycle.

Me personally? There’s no Imposter Monster in my head…

SUS!

Example time. I’ve been working in IT for almost 10 years now. I’ve been a computer nerd for even longer. I went to school for Computer Science for goodness sake. I know IT quite well. I’ve been at my current gig for almost 3 years. To this day. I still don’t feel like I should have this job. I know how to do it. I know what I’m doing. I rarely come across problems I can’t solve within a day, or at least that I can work out a solution to. (Implementation hell, amirite?) Yet, to this day, while writing this blog post, I can tell you I doubted myself yesterday on an implementation to resolve a problem. I was nervous to implement, even though I knew exactly how it would go down? Now… why is that? We’ll get to that, but I’ll give you a clue. I’m not a confident person.

CompSci? IT? What gives?

Now, I mentioned I went to school for Computer Science. I specialized in software engineering. I’ve been writing code since I was 16. My friend Derrick thrawn01.org convinced me to switch majors into software engineering. He was honestly one of the main reasons I swapped, and I’m very thankful for that and for him. He has had a very positive influence on my life, so, thanks, Derrick! With all that said, I hesititate every time I’ve tried to switch careers into software engineering. I always feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t know enough. I’m not advanced enough into this craft to be able to take a job doing it. Yet, over the past ~8 years I’ve completed multiple major projects, along with creating two completely new apps from scratch, for my employers. All while working in IT! Now mind you, this weren’t large scale projects. I was the only dev, but still. I’ve done the work, along with contributed to quite a few open-souce projects.

Yet here I stand not having worked professionally in the career I want to work in. All because of the Imposter Monster!

Okay, that’s just career stuff. Get over it.

You’re right. It’s just my career. Who cares? Just keep working right? Well. Let me tell you about one more job that I do.

I’m a father. My wife and I have fostered ~10 kids or so. We currently have one adoptered daughter from the foster care system, and two biological children. I’m dad to all three and before anyone asks, no, I don’t consider my foster daugher any different than my biological children, I only mention it to show that we didn’t just foster children, we even kept one! No take backs! Although, she’s a preteen and right about now, I’m thinking maybe a takeback might be in order… just kidding?

Anyway, let’s stop beating around the bush. I feel like a failure as a father almost every day, if not every day. Sure, I have success throughout the day, but like most of you, I’m not perfect. Maybe some day, but for now, I’m not. Now, does this make me a failure as a father? Maybe, but logic states that I’m probably not a failure, but here I am, thinking of all the things I could have done differently. How I shouldn’t be a father. How these kids deserve better. How I should be trying harder every day to be perfect. The list goes on. So ya, that monster? He’s in my head constantly. Now… let’s get to that all import why.

But Why?

I really wanted to use the Ryan Reynolds one here, but my man Chan just seemed to be a better fit.

My understanding is it all boils down to confidence. Mainly self-confidence. I’d say the largest misuderstanding I’ve always had about self-confidence is that it was a direct reflection of your current skill level. Which obviously doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Self confidence is just ones trust in one’s abilities, qualities, judgment, etc.. So, no skill required, right? I’m not so sure, but at the same time this is like asking the overweight guy at McDonald’s for nutrition advice. Probably not the best person to ask.

I can say, at least from my personal experience working on open-source software projects, that there are plenty of people that are seriously lacking in skill, but have plenty of self-confidence. I don’t say this as a slight, but more of as a compliment. They’re able to put themselves out there during a very early stage of their career development, or at least an early stage of their learning, and that’s awesome. Sure, we can make fun of their code, write patch after patch to show them how to do it in a clear, concise, and efficient manner, but man, they still put it out there for the rest of us to critique. Long before anyone with a monster inside their head would have, and I think that’s amazing. Hive mind, great minds think alike, yada yada yada.

Now, too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing, or something like that. I’m sure we all know someone with too much self-confidence. They’re full of themselves. They don’t know when to admit they’re wrong. They truck right on through a problem knowing they’re right, even though they aren’t. I feel this level of self-confidence is no better than having zero or close to it. With zero self-confidence you’re a push over. You live in a world of doubt. Things just aren’t good. With too much self-confidence, well, let’s just face it. No one likes you. Not even you; at least deep down inside anyway.

How do we fix it?

Again, as mentioned, I’m probably not the one to ask, but I know what has helped in the past so I’ll reflect on that here. Take it for what it’s worth.

• Journal
  • I’ve found this to help in the past. Reflecting on what I have accomplished during the day. What I did right and what I did wrong. Frame the wrongs more as ways of improvement though. I’m sure this will help keep you grounded, so you don’t raise that self-confidence level too high.
• Recite a mantra
  • I know. This one sounds crazy, but it works. I used this to get through a very dark time in my life. I told myself I was worth it. I told myself I was useful. I told myself I wasn’t the scum of the earth. Try it. You’ll look like an idiot, and that’s okay. It’s just for you anyway. You’re not out reciting your mantra to the world. It’s your mantra. Not anyone elses.
• Socialize
  • I found this one to be another big help. I didn’t end up socializing in person, but I would hop on Vent with some friends and we’d just chat. Sometimes we’d play video games while chatting, but honestly the most helpful time was just hopping on a “call” and talking about our day. I believe this one helped me the most as I’m quite the introvert. If you’re energized by hanging out with people in person, do so! I know, pandemic, COVID, MonkeyPox, etc. Whatever may still be going on, be safe about it, but get out and talk with other people.
• Therapy
  • I’m going to re-emphasize here that this is advice coming from someone that has very little to no self-confidence in really any area of his life, but if you’re at that point in your life, maybe it’s time to talk to a therapist. There are plenty of options now. I know there are websites that specialize in offering therapy remotely over the interwebz. Get in on that! I should probably be taking my own advice here, as I used to talk to a therapist right after my parents were divorced. We didn’t really connect, but at minimum it was a place to vent. It helped. Probably more than I know.

The end?

I know I haven’t blogged in a while, it’s been almost, if not over, two years now. I have a lot of drafts built up that I need to finish editing and publish, but alas, Mr. Imposter Monster is stopping me. I’m working on it, but more content will follow. At some point. Hopefully more regularly. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll help me to build more self cofidence? Until next time, or some cheesy nonsense.